is your mom at the bar?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
