I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
