I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
