you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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