just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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