Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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