If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
