I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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