I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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