Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
