I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
