Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
