I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
