JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
