Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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