I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
