I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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