I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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