I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
