God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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