he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
