I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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