What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
