you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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