U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Randomize
