you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
