2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
