just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
