Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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