I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
