I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
