textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Two words: blizzard sex
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
