haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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