he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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