i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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