May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
