I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
