When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
