God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
