I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
