i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
