gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
