Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
from now on my penis is your penis
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I did not marry a roomba.
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