So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
