Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
