Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
