Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
