I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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