She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
