1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He shit in the fireplace
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
