A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let's get the cat blown out
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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