shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Someone signed my nipple.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
