He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
