I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
