im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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