im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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