I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
