And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
