She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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