he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
BRING THE BAGELS
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
