Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
