well I can't set my house on fire every night
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
