i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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